I'm too pretty for this

     As a Generation X/post punk/anglophile-pessimist, she lives each day with a little bit of anxiety. She makes plans based on an ever present uncertainty.  Which usually results in no plans at all. As young adults, we have no understanding of security.  Should she contribute to a 401k?  Get health insurance? Probably not, because by the time she retires, there most likely won’t be a 401k. Should she save up for a tattoo?  A vacation? New shoes? Black or grey? Innocuous decisions that most of us make every day are never that simple for her.  As I always say: “You think too much.”  It’s true. But she can’t even surrender to typical reckless abandon. Whether spending money, eating food, or going to Las Vegas - for too long before it becomes glaringly obvious that her nagging mind was right: It’s fine. Its not, but it will be. 

 But luckily, in 2011 at the age of 29 she did happen upon a few thoughts that were reassuring. Going to Coachella, dry shampoo, dancing on tables, crumb donettes, writing checks, the art of Instagram, seeing how good/bad Watch The Throne actually was, even seeing how attractive Ryan Gosling was in Crazy, Stupid, Love. All of these new things made her realize: there will ALWAYS be a ‘next’. There may not always be a next inspiring Rock record, fashion icon or inspiring face, but she see’s that there will be something to spurn her on at a level not QUITE towards the bottom.

 There will always be something that will inspire her and motivate her creativity, because that’s how she is.  She looks for these things everywhere.  She keep’s her eyes open and hope for my next creative ‘fix’.  She’ll always have fuel for her secret plans and bad ideas. How reassuring…

 One thing that seems will be clear in 2012, for her, is a renewed love from her friends and family, and their constant state of delight/dysfunction. She’ll have them no matter what, and I’m looking forward to that.  

Today is Friday January 13, 2012. She, is Chloe Belle Porter. Today is her 30^th birthday. 

Guess who’s back??

Who let us have sharpies and duct tape??

 

#modelmondays

                                           FUCK YEAH.  CIGARETTES.

Smoking AND picking her nose? Is anyone less interested in sleeping with her?

I didn’t think so…

#whitegirlwednesday

The Raphael Saadiq edition:

I got a call from my favorite high yellow girlfriend on Monday. The Conversation was pretty short. We’ve known eachother since elementary school, so most interaction is pretty direct. Mostly because neither of us really want’s to hear about the others problems. The conversation went something like this:

J: Hey cracka!

T: Is this Lisa Turtle?

J: Take the bagel out of your mouth, I can’t understand you. What are you doing tomorrow night?

T: (removes bagel) Let me check….nothing

J: Obviously, wanna go to Raphael’s show @ The Music box

T: Sure, lets do dinner first……  Alright Hilary Banks, I gotta go, call me tomorrow.

J: Stay Jewish

T: I don’t have a choice

So….. we met for dinner (drinks). Then made our way over to the Music Box.

The Line was around the block. YIKES. We had tix @ will call. Thank g-d. We checked out the upstairs seating. Meh. The booths downstairs looked like the best option. I pushed a few people over, and planted myself.

I made friends. *sings “One of These things” * Hey girl, hey. The Show was about to start. Now, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Raphael Saadiq….Umm…. I don’t know. Consider giving up. The man man breathes talent. His set kinda moves in a reverse chronological order. He opened with a few songs off his latest album, Stone Rollin. Then works his way back in time through; The Way I See it, Instant Vintage, some Lucy Pearl, and OF COURSE Tony! Toni! Toné!. It felt pretty good.

You cant forget this one:

We had a great time. He ended the show with a very energetic and aproppriate performance of “It Never Rains in Southern California.” *claps* We hung out for a few minutes, then headed upstairs to shake the man’s hand, and thank him for a wonderful evening. I also mentioned to him that I needed a a picture for this post. and it needed to capture the essence of “Whitegirl Wednesday”. He called me a few names, laughed and promised to get me back.

This is what I got: The high ponytail and shirt ( tied in front) say it all. Happy wednesday.

#modelMondays

So, we ran into amber Valletta recently. Yeah, you know the former SUPERMODEL. Nbd.

Nice tiara. Oh, you wore the J-Lo dress first? Like, on the runway? Got it.

The MILLEINUM issue of Vogue. With Naomi, Claudia, Christy and KATE???

Caption: Just hanging out with my bff Kate in Russia. It’s snowing, but we aren’t human so we never get cold. How great is my tan?

So we got to talking… The conversation went kinda like this:

T: How are you? What’s new?

A: Oh not too much. Please don’t judge me, I probably look really scary right now. *covers face*

T: *long pause, hates self, feels less than, suicidal thoughts, catches breath* I really don’t think you could look scary if you tried. Lets be honest.

A: Im just running around trying to get things together for my birthday party tonight.

T: Oh, happy birthday. *chokes*

A: Thank you! Its always such an ordeal…. I’ve been rushing around all morning trying to finish up. * highlights her ensemble* Im wearing Auden’s (her ten year old son) sweats. Ooops!

T: Well, Im gonna go ahead and say you can probably wear anything you’d like with that purse. Can we talk about it for a minute? Like seriously? *dies inside*

A: Oh YES! This is probably my favorite purse. Its great isn’t it?

T: Um, yeah just a little bit. Can I take a picture of it?

A: Yeah sure, just not ON me. *covers face again*

T: Great thanks, hand it over.

No, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. Thats a vintage Chanel classic flap, in killer bee tweed. Is this real life? Well it is if you were a supermodel. How did she stumble upon this beauty you ask?

T: Ok, so tell me the story, because I know there’s a good one.

A: Haha, yeah. when I was doing runway shows for Chanel we were given carte blance at the Paris store. I came home with tons of (FREE) stuff. This bag is by far my favorite.

T: Um……….

A: *giggles*

T: Its a winner. I’ve never seen anything like it.

A: I know, I think its super rare

T: duh

I thanked her for letting me molest her purse, told her to give Kate a hug for me, and wished her a happy birthday. She was gone. Annnnnnd my day was shot. I went back to the bell tower and cried a little more. Thank you, Amber Valletta for another chapter in my autobiography; Life isn’t Fair.

this can’t be real

So I wake up from my afternoon nap (*elderly and under 30*) to a text from Tiffany that says, “UM Kim Kardashian’s song… I just cried blood”.  Now, Tiffany’s eyes haven’t bled since she made her New Year’s Resolution and vowed to be “more generous with compliments”, so I knew that if the bloody tears were back then we must ALL be in trouble.  

OH MY GOD we are in so much trouble.

So now Tiffany’s eyes are bleeding, my ears are bleeding, and we all know that the music industry’s pocket books are bleeding… The song pretty much speaks for itself, have a listen.

It’s just too easy. Im gonna take the high road on this one. Rather than point out the obvious and discuss how shiteous it really is, I’ll list some positives.

1. That ass

2. At least it wasn’t acapella

3. Accidental sex tapes

4. Single handedly keeping the bandage skirt alive (its time to let go)

5. You still wear less makeup than Rupaul

6. Paris Hilton is more confident today

7. You didn’t have to sleep with Seacrest to get it on the radio

8. Your vocabulary has grown to an impressive 250 words

9. I’ve heard worse.

10. # 9 was a lie. And im outta juice.

Another one bites the dust….

sucka free sundays

There are no words, only praise…

tattooed ladies who lunch and an oscar recap

So, the Tattooed Ladies Who Lunch got together last Sunday to watch the debacle that is commonly referred to as “The Oscars”; and a debacle it was.  Let’s be honest, the show was outright painful.  Anyway, out of the 16 celebrities that didn’t get the memo that it was going to be 4 hours of their life that they would later want back, only about 5 of them really dressed the part and got it *almost* right.  Here is a recap of who the Tattooed Ladies Who Lunch voted for best and worst.  

BEST:

                                                                                             Cate Blanchett in Givenchy haute couture                                                                                                   It’s tres futuristic, yet so well played. 

                                                                                                         Mila Kunis in Elie Saab (hates self)

                                                                                                                   Gwenyth Paltrow in Michael Kors                                                             Metallic monochromatic HEAVEN. *claps* Gwenyth was also the recipient of the Make it stop, you can’t even sing, auto tune  couldn’t save you, I’d rather listen to the sound of my parents having sex award.  Way.To.Go.

                                                                                                                   Camila Alves in Kaufman Franco                                                                                  TO DIE FOR. It was perfect. Don’t be mad. (sideboob always wins)

WORST:

                                                                                                                                                          Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer                                                                                                                Elvis called, he wants his dress back

                                                                                                                                    Oprah Winfrey in Zac  Posen                                                                   O, lets get honest. All the money in the world and you can’t drop 20?  Someone isn’t  trying hard enough.

                                                                                               Jennifer Hudson in Versace                                  We get it, you’re thin(er). However, in the real world you don’t get rewarded for doing the right thing. Sorry. And we still don’t want to see your boobs. Put those things away.

                                                                                                      Reese Witherspoon in Armani Prive                                                                                                    Weird, when did she crossover into soaps?  

Slim pickings.  Here’s to a better awards season next year.  *sigh*

insightful quote of the day

Christopher Kane; British designer extraordinaire.  Loved and guided by the likes of Anna Wintour.  Christopher Kane, his namesake collection, has only been showing since 2007, and since his start has cited such inspirations/themes as Princess Margaret on acid, Lolita, Priscilla Presley as a teen bride, and child beauty pageants. OBSESSED.  Anyway, he said this, and I happen to think its extremely insightful and fearless:

“I really admire people who do minimalist, but I know that I’m not a minimalist because I’d rather slit my wrists than wear something like that… not because it’s boring, it’s just because I want more, I want people to either hate it, or really love it”.

Touche.  Will you be my best friend?

Tough shoes to fill

Sarah Burton has had some tough shoes to fill after taking over the helm at Alexander McQueen.  Um, she seems to be doing a pretty good job with these porcelain beauties.